Opposite Ends Of The Spectrum
by perpetualpathology
Summary: Following a manic phase Zosia spirals into depression and she begins to give up as those who surround her try to do what's best by making her take antidepressants but they ultimately frustrate her and cause her to become even more isolated. Can the blue-eyed brown-haired registrar Dr Valentine bring a sense of meaning back to her life? (Suicide mentioned but not explored)


**Summary:** Following a manic phase Zosia spirals into depression and she begins to give up as those who surround her try to do what's best by making her take antidepressants but they ultimately frustrate her and cause her to become even more isolated. Can the blue-eyed brown-haired registrar Dr Valentine bring a sense of meaning back to her life? (Prompt by Camelopardalis)

 **Prompt 2/100**

 **Opposite Ends Of The Spectrum**

 **This is the second instalment for my one hundred prompt writing challenge and was inspired by a prompt by Camelopardalis – thank you! I still need a lot more prompts so if anyone has any ideas (could be for Holby City, Casualty, Hunger Games or Divergent) then please leave it in a review or post in my forum for Holby City entitled General Holby Stuff. It could be one word or a summary and I'll write for pretty much any characters. Anyway, hope you enjoy reading this!**

Zosia March. Once upon a time that name had been recognised as one of the best junior doctors in the hospital assisting her mentor with pioneering cardiothoracic research on Darwin. But in recent months, everyone had become fully aware of her mental health condition – bipolar disorder – which had caused her to spiral into a phase of depression. She'd been diagnosed with severe clinical depression by a specialist who had had to visit Zosia in her bedroom because there was no hope of getting her to leave the flat for some air let alone going to a hospital to be assessed. She had been told it could last anywhere between six and twelve months but the way she felt meant that she thought she was never going to be happy ever again. How could she be when she was so terribly unwell? Even getting dressed seemed pointless as she wasn't going out anywhere – she didn't want to go anywhere. But more importantly, she had recently been questioning the purpose of living. What was the point in living day in, day out trying to earn some money to pay rent and buy food only for all of it to go to waste when the inevitable happens and you die? Some earlier than others as she had learned from the death of her mother.

During winter she had lost a lot of weight as a result of hardly eating and had developed insomnia – she slept periodically during the day and was subsequently awake all night but she never got the recommended eight hours because she wasn't doing anything to make her tired. It was completely different to her first manic phase just before she got diagnosed – then she wouldn't sleep because she was obsessed with one thing or another and just had to get things done but now there was no productivity, there was just misery and despair.

"When did she stop taking the anti-depressants?" Guy asked in a hushed voice. He, Dom, Arthur, Ollie and Colette were gathered in the living room of the junior doctors' flat having another informal meeting to discuss the progress – or lack of – regarding Zosia's mental health but things had once again taken the turn for the worse.

"Well each box is supposed to have enough tablets for three weeks and I've collected her prescription for her five or six times and there are at least four boxes in her bedroom that haven't even been opened, I don't know about the others." Dom replied.

"Haven't you been making sure she takes it every morning?" Guy demanded.

"With all due respect Mr Self, we can't make her take the tablets and it's a little offensive that you're suggesting we don't look after her when you only come here once a week nowadays, if that." Dom protested. "I've sat in her bedroom for hours on end just so that she's got some company so that she doesn't feel alone, even if she's not up to talking and when you turn up, all you do is have a go at us or at Zosia for not getting better which always makes thing ten times worse."

"She doesn't take them because they don't work." Ollie finally spoke up. "For the first few weeks she got really bad side effects – they made her vomit, feel shaky and she had a stomach ache for a few hours every time she took a tablet. And she was willing to put up with the side effects if they were going to make her feel better but after she finished the first box she felt even worse so she just stopped." He explained reluctantly.

"And you didn't think to tell us this weeks ago?" Colette questioned.

"I promised her I wouldn't because she knew you'd all tell her what to do." Ollie replied. "Maybe she's right y'know, maybe she just shouldn't take them and she'll eventually get better by herself."

"I beg your pardon?" Guy protested. "She's depressed, what do you want her to do? Just ride it out for the next twelve months and spend all that time in bed and never go to work? What about her F2 exams?"

"It's too late to worry about that, she's already going to have to repeat the year but it's okay. I've done it and I'll support her all the way." Dom stated.

"If I may interject," Arthur began "Zosia knows her own body okay? If she says the tablets aren't working then she should know that. I know she's depressed but she'd have known if she was starting to feel better or not. We're medical professionals; there are other ways of treating depression so I think we should look into treatments other than antidepressants."

"Are you suggesting counselling?" Colette queried.

"No. Things like counselling are for people who are depressed because of a recent crisis and need help getting through that but Zosia is bipolar. This may be the first time that she's depressed but it certainly won't be the last and I think that's making the depression worse – the fact that this is going to happen again and she can't control how she feels is even more devastating for her." Dom explained and they all jumped when they heard her bedroom door open and Zosia appeared. Her grey, gaunt face reminded them all of the very frail body she was hiding under the hoodie and tracksuit bottoms and they all watched as she headed for the open plan kitchen to get a glass of water.

"Don't mind me. I can hear what you say from my bedroom so there's no point in stopping now." She said glumly to the group of concerned-looking individuals before she headed back for her bedroom.

"Zosia." Ollie called and he quickly ran over to her room before she could slam her door. He then entered her bedroom and closed the door behind him.

"No Ollie, don't–"

"Let him talk to her." Dom ordered as he stepped in front of Guy to prevent him from barging into the room. "Ollie's the only one who's been able to get any sense out of her recently." He added.

"Fine." Guy sighed before he walked over and collapsed into the armchair. "But if we don't come up with a solution by this afternoon I'm going to forcibly take her to the hospital and get her sectioned."

"From what we know, she's not suicidal. I don't think there's any need for that." Colette protested.

"Col she's practically anorexic. There's no difference to killing yourself by jumping in front of a train or by starving yourself to death." Guy argued. "When was the last time she ate a full meal?" He asked Zosia's flatmates.

"She had a slice of toast yesterday but she hasn't sat down with us and eaten for weeks." Dom stated. "I don't like the idea of getting her sectioned but maybe it is for the best. We've been trying our best to make sure that between myself, Arthur and Ollie that there's always one of us that isn't working so we can stay here with her but it's just been exhausting and we're not getting anywhere."

"So because she's an inconvenience, we have her right to freedom taken away from her?" Colette protested.

"That's not the way to look at it. She won't like it at first but if it's what it takes to make Zosia better then it's a decision I'm willing to make as her next of kin." Guy stated.

"Well then I hope for your sake that Ollie's making some progress in there." Dom grumbled.

* * *

She knew he had followed her into her room but nevertheless she crawled into the middle of her double bed and got somewhat comfortable under the covers. She didn't know whether he was her boyfriend or not anymore. He had been several months ago and she was proud of it but now she didn't feel she deserved to call him that after what terrible company she always was.

"Ollie why are you still here?" She mumbled without making eye contact.

"Because I'm not on shift today." He replied, assuming she was asking in the literal sense.

"No… I mean why do you keep on coming here to see me? What possible pleasure could you be getting out of this? We never sleep together anymore, I'm a horrible person–"

"No you're not. And this isn't the real Zosia anyway." Ollie replied simply as he sat on the edge of her bed and twisted his torso to face her so he could tuck her dark brown hair behind her ear and out of her face.

"Well the real Zosia won't be making another appearance for another six months according to her physiatrist." She grumbled. "Just go. Things are going to get worse – _I'm_ going to get worse and–"

"And I'm going to be here with you every step of the way." Ollie stated. "I promise, I'm not going anywhere. Not even if you want me to. I'm not leaving you because I love you." He said adamantly and he then watched as she welled up and hot, salty tears began to run down her cheeks. "Oh Zosh." He whispered as he got onto the bed next to her and wrapped his arms around her. He grabbed a few tissues from the box on her bedside table and handed them to her, knowing that it could go on for quite a while as it had done before. He just held her as she began to sob. One of her legs slipped in between both of his and she buried her head in his chest. This was the closest they'd been physically in a while so he rested his chin on the top of her head until finally she blew her nose, wiped away the last of the tears and then took a deep breath.

"I'm sorry." She apologised sincerely. Her ribs hurt from the irregular breathing and her eyes were sore from all the tears but she knew if she didn't stop now, she'd just go on crying until she eventually became hysterical.

"Don't be." Ollie shook his head as he reached over her head and grabbed her a clean tissue to replace the used ones.

"Thank you." She mumbled. "I know you only came in here to try to convince me to take those damned tablets but I'm not touching them. They mess with my head, make me feel shaky, they make me throw up." Zosia explained without lifting her head. "I know the side effects should wear off in a few weeks but I can't deal with the side effects for weeks; I just can't cope with them."

"I'm not trying to get you to take the tablets; there are other ways of making you feel better." Ollie stated which caught her attention. "And I think exercise might be a good start. Before you protest, I know it's the last thing you feel like doing but just consider coming for a short run with me." He pleaded. "We'll go for a job, come back here and you can take a nice hot shower or bath while I make you something to eat." He stated. "We've done it together before so we can do it now. What do you say, from here to the high street and back first to take it easy?" He suggested.

"I don't want to go for a run." She grumbled.

"Zosia come on, help yourself out here. You know how great you feel after a run. And I'm sure it'll build up your appetite, get you hungry by the time we get back. Then maybe you could stay up until late evening and then go to bed later with me. You do sleep for six or seven hours at a time sometimes just not at the right time so maybe if we were to keep you up all day, then let you sleep at night and keep at it for a while, we'll get your body clock back to a somewhat normal."

"I'm not staying up for the rest of the day Ollie, I'm tired already."

"Okay, we'll focus on one thing at a time then and take baby steps." He stated. "So you'll come for a run with me?" He asked optimistically. "Please Zosia, I only want to help you." He pleaded. Emotional turmoil racked her brains as she considered it. All she ever wanted was to feel a surge of happiness once again, to go back to work and sleep at night but she just didn't know where she'd get the effort from. The high street wasn't a long run at all but she hadn't exercised in some time and her hunger strikes had probably diminished her muscle reserves for energy to stay alive.

"I'll race you to the Farmstead estate and back and I'm not going any further."

"Deal." Ollie nodded eagerly. He got up from the bed on his side and watched as she reluctantly crawled out of bed on her side. She went over to her wardrobe and took out a black Nike t-shirt with a small white tick on the upper left hand side before she simultaneously removed her jumper and vest revealing her malnourished frame – after seeing her ribs he knew where the phrase 'bag of bones' came from.

Feeling his eyes on her, she quickly pulled on her shirt and then looked at him which prompted him to open a drawer where had had some clothes that were kept at her place. He took out a similar shirt, only it was grey, and some black shorts before he began to get changed too. Maybe running when she was rather underweight wasn't a good idea but if it would raise her spirits then it was worse a try.

"Can you get rid of the crowd out there? I know my dad and Colette are here." Zosia requested.

"I'll try but you know what they're like." He half joked but he stopped smiling when Zosia gave him a serious look. "Alright, I'll convince them to leave us to it."

* * *

"I don't understand, how did you get her to agree to go for a run when we can't even get her to go for a walk?" Colette frowned.

"She thinks everyone's against her because you're trying to make her take medication that she doesn't want to take." Ollie stated. "I simply told her if she didn't want to take it then she didn't have to and she was a lot less hostile. Look, I know you don't want to go but I think she's only going to come out if she doesn't have an audience out here so would you mind leaving for today?" He requested once again. "She'll still have Dom and Arthur here and I'll probably stay overnight if she's okay with it. I'll let you know what happens – I can call you both later." He pleaded.

"Come on Guy." Colette ordered. "We've just got to trust the two of them." She said as she picked up her handbag from the table.

"You'll let me know if anything goes wrong immediately?"

"I promise you." Ollie nodded.

"Alright then. Let's give exercise treatment a try for a couple of weeks then. And I'll tell her psychiatrist to stop the prescription for the antidepressants."

* * *

She had the bench by the gates of the estate in sight so she sped up and began to sprint leaving her partner behind her. One foot in front of the other wasn't so hard but she was definitely out of breath and she was breathing faster than she had done in a long time. She didn't usually sprint and was unfit as she hadn't been for a run in a long time but she just wanted the run to be over with. After crossing a small side road entrance and dodging a woman with a pushchair she finally arrived at the Farmstead estate and stopped immediately to catch her breath.

"And I thought I'd have to go slow for you." Ollie said sarcastically as he joined her and sat down on the bench next to his panting girlfriend. "Here." He handed her the bottle of water that he'd brought for the both of them.

"Thanks." Zosia grimaced as she begun to feel a stich in her side but she continued to take deep breaths and then had a few sips of water. "Can we walk back?"

"No." He replied bluntly. "We will jog back though rather than sprinting. And we can stay here for a few minutes and catch our breaths back." He assured her. They both got back to their normal breathing rate within a minute and were watching the traffic drive by in front of them when Zosia spoke up.

"Listen Ollie while we're out here, I need to ask you something."

"Go ahead. You can ask me anything."

"I was wondering if maybe, I could come and stay at your place for a little while." She began. "It's just that–"

"Zosia that's a big responsibility. I'm not saying I wouldn't love to live with you but right now you need all the support you can get and I'm not sure I can give that to you by myself." Ollie admitted. "I can understand why you want to get away from everyone else and in a way I admire you for admitting that. But if something was to go wrong and I wasn't there…"

"What would go wrong?"

"I don't want to go into the details Zosia. It's just that, there's more of a chance of someone being in your flat with you, than if you just lived with me. Because my shifts have been all over the place recently and I've been having to work more hours to catch up with the patient load because you're off work at the moment and the locum to cover you isn't very efficient to say the least."

"I can't believe it." Zosia gasped. "You think I'd try to kill myself?" She whispered.

"I don't know, you've never been like this before Zosia. This is new to me; I don't know what to expect." He admitted. "No one does, not even Guy or Colette or Dom and Arthur." He added. "Look, we all just want what's best for you."

"What I need is somewhere I can stay without being checked on throughout the day and night. Dom and Arthur even set alarms in the middle of the night to come into my room and see if I'm asleep. And all I want is to be able to be by myself, to do what I want to do. I want to be able to sleep when I want to no matter what time of day it is and everyone says it's wrong that I sleep during the day but I can't sleep at night and they try to change my sleeping patterns when it just doesn't work. I want to eat when I want to and not have plates of food delivered to my room every day when I don't want it. If I stay at your place for a little while I might even start to feel better because I won't be as stressed."

"But moving in with me won't get rid or your dad or anyone else that cares about you. They'll still want to visit all the time." Ollie stated.

"Ugh, why won't anyone listen to me?!" She almost shouted. "How am I supposed to get better when no one listens to what I want?" She added as tears began to form in her eyes once more.

"Zosh come here." Ollie said softly and he tried to move closer to her on the bench but she shuffled to the end of it, folded her arms across her chest and looked down at the floor.

"I know why no one listens to me." Zosia muttered. "It's because I don't even matter. You're all just waiting for me to go mad so that I can be sectioned to get me out of your hair."

"Of course you matter! Zosia if you didn't matter to me, why would I be here right now? Why wouldn't I have left by now? You've given me plenty of opportunities for me to leave because you don't want to tie me down but I haven't left because I love you and I want to spend the rest of my life with you. Even if there are times when you get like this because I know it's not the real you. And I don't want you sectioned, I was specifically arguing against it this morning when your father brought it up." He stated but she remained with a frown on her face as she tried not to cry in public. "Alright look… I still don't think that you moving in with me is a good idea so maybe we could reach a compromise."

"How?" She mumbled.

"Perhaps I could move in with you in the flat." He suggested. "That way Dom and Arthur wouldn't have to check in on you in the night because I'd be with you. You could talk to me whenever you needed to even if we're up all night – I was practically nocturnal myself when I was in Mexico. I could talk to everyone else, ask them to give you some space and to get your dad and Colette to _ask_ when they want to come and see you because I know you don't always want them to. People like your dad think they know what's best for you and they don't always believe what you say because you're not mentally stable but I believe that as long as you're not putting yourself in any harm, there's no reason to stop you from doing what you want to do. Even if it means you want to skip a meal. But not eating all day does put you at risk which is where I'd draw the line. If you wanted me to, I could sleep on the sofa if you want some time alone."

"I don't want time alone. I hate being by myself because I get scared as to what I might do to myself." She admitted.

"Does that mean you want me to move in with you?" He asked cautiously and after a few moments she nodded. "Great, I'll go back to mine and get some things I need this afternoon." He smiled as he wrapped his arms around her and gave her a tight hug.

"I know we haven't come very far but can we walk back please? I'm exhausted." She admitted ashamedly.

"Sure." He nodded. "But you're wrong Zosia; in the last hour we've come so very far."


End file.
